Hello! I know – this update is long overdue. As I begin my umpteenth attempt at writing it, I am struck by how many life events have run their course since my last post. Five Minute Mini Gift Bag was posted two years ago – when the world’s daily narrative was consumed by Covid-19. Today, the pandemic is more like a scar we occasionally share stories about. My time in Oklahoma has also come and gone. While it isn’t strange to me that I no longer live in Tulsa, it is surprising that this Arizona desert rat now calls Madison, Wisconsin home. Plot twist! I’m also amazed at how much I have changed since my last post. Soon after publishing the gift bag project, a personally deep and difficult storm began brewing. This resulted in A LOT of contemplation about my life and, ultimately, a shift in my goals and priorities. Consequently, this December, despite two interstate moves, one pandemic, and the worst emotional crash and burn of my life, I will finally graduate from college – in my fifties.

This post contains discussions about mental health. If that is triggering for you, feel free to pass on this post.

Obtaining my college degree is a 30-year-old goal. I started straight out of high school – and marched into my beautiful, crazy, unpredictable life. For decades, my desire for a degree hung out in the background, nudging me occasionally, to remind me it was still there. Now I am so close! I will soon have a B.S. in Sociology from Arizona State University! Wow! I am so excited and grateful for this opportunity and all the support I’ve received throughout this journey. As graduation nears, however, I also feel nervous and somewhat unsettled. I wonder what I will do with my time once the college diploma is in my hand. What will I do after this life-long goal is achieved? Will I start a mid-life career? Should I volunteer or maybe apply for graduate school? Is my fifty-something brain that can’t remember why I walked into a room capable of grad school? I know what you’re thinking. “JoElle. Just sit and enjoy your success for a minute – something will come up.” That is logical advice but over the past two years I’ve learned something fundamental about me.

I NEED purpose – I think we all do. We all need something to do when our eyes open and welcome a new day. We need something we are held accountable for, something that matters – even if only to ourselves. Two years ago, I thought my blog provided that purpose but then I began feeling unmotivated and uncreative. Tulsa was a hard nut to crack, and I was really struggling to fit in. And of course, there was Covid. I stopped blogging and started sleeping, feeling alone and confused about my priorities. Calls from concerned family and friends just rolled to voicemail. My struggle with anxiety peaked and I found it increasingly difficult to cope with the simplest things. Then, to add fuel to the fire, I made a very untimely medication change. My final epic spiral into a mental crash and burn was fast. I felt completely out of control, and I was scared – embarrassed – and so frustrated because I didn’t know why I couldn’t snap out of it. My life was easy, downright privileged really – so why was I burying myself in a deep dark hole?

Well, I’ll spare you all the details of my recovery but just know it included A LOT of counseling, non-judgmental patience from my people and some good ole serotonin-balancing drugs. I don’t mean to gloss over this part as if it were quick and easy. It wasn’t – it was ugly. Nothing is more difficult than exposing your vulnerabilities to the people you assume count on you for strength. But I learned an important reality – I can’t always have control. I can’t be a healthy giver if I haven’t also learned to graciously take. At this point, I knew I needed to step completely away from the blog and work on something major – just for me. I needed to finish my college degree.

Someone might need to read this. Someone might need validation that their struggle to get out of bed is real. That feeling isolated and out of control is scary and that yes, mental illness really, physically, hurts. Others might need a reminder that depression, anxiety and the like is not a choice any more than, say – diabetes. It results from a medical chemical imbalance that can’t be fixed with mere “positive attitudes” and “fresh air.” I share my personal struggle so that another person might not feel so alone in theirs. I share it to say, “It is 100% okay if you can’t walk bravely today – but you don’t have to walk alone.”

To close this out I want to emphasize how much I absolutely LOVE the community that gathered around A Crafty Composition. I am proud of the blog’s content and enjoyed every minute of its creation. I’ll keep the blog updated, and I still get so excited when I see a comment or question, which I will continue to respond to. I don’t know if there are more Crafty Composition adventures ahead, but I’m okay just letting it be for now. For the next 5 months, I will continue obsessing over research papers and solving the world’s social problems (in my head) until, one week before my fifty-sixth birthday, I receive my college diploma. I’m not sure what’s in my future but I am pretty confident, at minimum, it involves fried cheese curds and enjoying the wonderfully warm hospitality of Wisconsin. Don’t ya know.

Take care of yourself and others. Biggest hugs!!

JoElle

As of July 2022, there is a new national lifeline for mental health. Following the same concept as dialing 911, the new 988 number connects people experiencing a mental health crisis to the closest crisis call center. To read more about the 988 mental health hotline, check out this NPR Article.

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